Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
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This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t