God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
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I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work