This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
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I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Worst perfume name ever.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.