[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
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Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
How can I say no to this ?
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Wait a second…
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?