In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
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*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Owl Sanctuary
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear