Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
You Might Also Like
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
me and who
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break