*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.