So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
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Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
waiting for halloween be like:
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
There is no “ea” in Tim.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay