DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
You Might Also Like
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Breaking news:
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
hmm conte-me mais
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope