Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
You Might Also Like
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to