“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
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9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Boating season is upon us.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.