Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
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*looks at you in batman voice*
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]