me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
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Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
The Book. The Movie.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
LMAO
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.