I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
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I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
yeah 😭
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?