I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
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space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I bet
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…