4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
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On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.