*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
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BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]