My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
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Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again