2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
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THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.