Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
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Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?