When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
You Might Also Like
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.