broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
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Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Mummies are just super modest zombies
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists