“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
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Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.