Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
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[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.