Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
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Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.