So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
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This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
🍞🦆
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.