[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
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inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Passwords are more important than ever.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…