My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
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*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
🙋♀️
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
This was the best day of my life