I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
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what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
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mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.