Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
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HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?