Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
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I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.