I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
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Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Smells like a challenge to me
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.