Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
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Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Yep.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.