I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
You Might Also Like
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Please do it!
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
checking out some reviews of my local library
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?