your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
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What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.