Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
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Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?