If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
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Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.