Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
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jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏