it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
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Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.