[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
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A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
For when Tinder doesn’t work
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.