Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
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*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band