Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
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[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*