Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
You Might Also Like
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”