Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
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I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Sponch
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.