My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
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We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Rooting for the overdog
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…