wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
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Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Aw man, but that’s the best part
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap