“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
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Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Every BBC series about the universe.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I’m not average. I’m mean.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
spot the difference
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”