*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
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“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.