Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
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I drew y’all a little something.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*