“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
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Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
WTF
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.